Intimate Friends

Intimate relationships.
Now if that isn't the two scariest words for most single people. I mean we say we all want them. But are we really willing to do what it takes to have them?

It's not really relegated to just the relations we have with a partner or someone we are dating. It can also be in your friendships, your REAL friendships. Lets first define the fact that we have two general types of friendships. Those that are only skin deep, literally, and those that are more meaningful, our true friends.

Skin deep friendships are usually those where we each are gaining something from the friendship. Its out of convenience. Come on most everyone has them. It's your friend that you go to happy hour with. The one that you only see and talk to when your planning those great nights out on the town. Or maybe its the one who you talk to at work, but seldom any other time. Maybe its the one you live vicariously through. The one who always has exciting fun things going on in their world and you like staying connected to all their friends and fun VIP invites. Whatever the reason or the benefit, we have all had friends like this. But can you go deeper with these people, can you have a true intimate friendship? The key question might be do you even want to go deeper with this person?

Allot of people will think of intimate being sexual in nature. Well actually as Webster defines it: "most private or personal; very close or familiar; deep and thorough; an intimate friend."

So how many do you have? Do you know what it takes to have them? Do you really push yourself to be real and open with your friends? Do you have the kind of friends you want to be intimate with?

I think most of us would like to think we do. Or at least for now, it fits our own personal definition of intimacy. These relationships or lack there of can often define not only who we are. But these friendships can also lay the groundwork for how we act in dating situations or in other words they can also forecast to us, what kind of relationships we have with someone who is 'more than a friend'.

Think about it. Do your friendships last. Do you seem to hop around in closeness from one person to another. Are you one of those who has a BFF of the month club. When things get rough or your not getting along with a friend do you distance yourself from them or do you use this opportunity to talk with them openly to discuss the issues. Do you open up and talk about it honestly? Or do you kind of pull away and ignore them for a while. Do you see where I am going with this? If we pull away from our personal close friends now in our lives, or if we run away when things are tough. Then we most likely do this in more serious dating relationships too. Likewise, we often can be scared off by getting too close to someone. Have you ever pulled away from a friend right after you let your guard down, after you became vulnerable? Sometimes, we fear success or closeness for fear we might get hurt. This might not be good for our future relations with anyone, whether it be friend or companion.

So how do we fix this? Start with your friends. Get to know them more and let them know you too. Make sure you aren't surrounded with superficial friends. This might mean stepping out of your comfort zone, doing things a little differently. It might mean you need to make some changes. Make sure your going more than skin deep. Fix those relationships in front of you first and then you might see new opportunities being attracted to you and you to them. It ultimately can change the types of people you date and are attracted to and like-wise bring you different results. Even better than that, your friendships will flourish and grow to something wonderful & meaningful. Surround yourself with great people, let intimacy in and everything else will follow.

Attached is an MP3 of John Burkes message on Intimacy, September 30, 2007. It should be available within the nest 24 hours of this posting. Click on the title INTIMATE FRIENDS at top to download message.

THE MORNING AFTER....

The morning after, no this is not what you think it is. I am not referring to the 'walk of shame'. Walk of Shame, you know, when in your past life, or for some in your present life, you maybe have ughh, relations? with someone and the next morning you have to walk out their front door for the whole neighborhood to see you. Whats worse if your still in those 'going out cloths' from the night before... As a friend once pointed out to me, its pretty bad when your walking out and the neighbor on one side is out watering his lawn and the look you get is something along the lines of 'your not the one from before'. Yeah, well that's some of the past experiences I could relate to prior to my current relationship with myself and with God. Now those antics and laughs over brunch with the girls are really more uncomfortable these days. I mean they are still kind of funny, but in the grand scheme of things. You start to realize 'was it really worth it?' The answer is unequivocally NO.

Today its all about the morning after going out with 3 girlfriends to a girls night of Karaoke'ing. We had an absolute blast and we all went home alone of course, I think it was more amusing to be the ones that were sober and coherent compared to about 90% of the patrons of the establishment who were not so sober.
Lets just say we all had our chins on the ground a few times, watching the drunken antics of several around us. Including the 3 different men each poised in a triangular pattern around our table. I mean we had great views and were well within earshot to intake it all. Just to give you the cream of the crop, we had one, lets call him Justin, he is from Ohio and travels on business all over the US. He is there 'tying one on' as he so eloquently put it. He also went on to tell us all that we should just plan on heading over to his hotel afterwards, as he proceeded to tell us the room number and show us his spare key. Needless to say we all laughed it off in amusement. But I couldn't help, but to feel sorry for him and feel like I needed to keep talking to him, so I did. In listening to him I was amazed. I mean he was basically stating in no uncertain terms, that he was a 'great lay' (literally he said that) and said he felt bad because he is in a town for only a short time and cant really take the time to get to know women, so he has to succumb to the idea that its all about being 'respectful' he said and 'honest' in telling woman that its all about the great sex. Yes he tries to keep in touch with the ones that, as he stated, you really feel the chemistry and the ignition in bed. WOW. Need I say more on this one.
So here my response to him in a nutshell"

I told him under no uncertain terms would I be going to engage him in his quest for the night, I went on to tell him that maybe in the past, it would of been up for debate. But that now I have a relationship with God and a true respect for myself and for others. Especially with regard to our bodies, intimacy and sex. I further added that I sincerely plan on not sleeping with anyone until I meet my soul mate and the man I want to marry. The interesting part is that I felt so good about telling this total stranger this. I felt no embarrassment admitting my faith or my creed to myself and God. I actually felt proud and honored to admit that yes my past was different and I at one time kind of had his view on casual sex among consenting willing adults. But now, things are different for me.

I really felt it hit a little bell in his drunken rambling mind. Or maybe that was the 'last call bell' that got his attention. None the less, I felt a great pride in knowing that I stood up for my belief's, and my sanctity. Not only for myself, but for all single people, who really just want to be loved and held. For those who are on the path I am on and for those who are astray or 'looking' for something more in life and in their relationships. For all of us who want to find something more, something lasting, something meaningful and something with mutual admiration and respect. Something called love. The real kind, not the one that is confused with lust and instant gratification.

So here's to having a great feeling the morning after and to having a great since of relief. That I don't have to worry about ever feeling that agonizing lump in my throat, that since of guilt and wondering, "will he call me again?", "does this mean we will start seeing each other" or worse yet, walking away hoping you don't run into him again. I don't have to worry about these feelings the morning after, as long as I stay on my current path. I just hope that after we left last night that Justin didn't find a woman who this morning is feeling this way. And one day, hopefully, Justin will learn that his mornings after aren't going so great either and maybe he will change his view of casual sex and what real intimacy and love can mean if he would just wait for that someone special, and not the woman he meets after a night of drink specials.

Here is to a great new feeling and a great new 'morning after'.

Single on Saturday Night

So here we are again, its Saturday afternoon, and I am still as single today as I was yesterday. Yesterday being Friday, and instead of heading out and meeting some other friends for 'board game night' I decided to meet with some clients of mine in a cow pasture for a BBQ. Well, I know it doesn't sound fun. I guess it might help if I elaborate and say, I am in the construction business. I am a sales manager and I work with large commercial contractors. One of my clients is about to kick off a rather large Elementary School Project and we decided to have a 'ground breaking' party and BBQ out there yesterday late afternoon. Literally, its in the middle of a soon to be large subdivision, but the land is an old ranch. Little did I know it would run into early evening. So it doesn't seem I did anything last night on a Friday night as a single 35 year old that would bring my any closer to meeting Mr. Wonderful. My clients are great guys, all are married and a very respectful bunch, but usually no one single in the group and I have a hard and fast rule "don't date anyone of your clients or business associates" - so my Friday night was a wash last night. Maybe I should of asked if anyone has a single brother? Referrals work well in my sales business, maybe I should widen my sights on what I am asking referrals for?

Ever wonder why it seems that the older you get the more you enjoy staying at home. Why staying in for the night with your favorite bottle of wine, (yes I am christian, not southern Baptist though, I do drink)and lounging in your comfy cloths, hair in a pony tail, no make-up sounds so good? I mean isn't staying home all the time kind of defeating the idea that some day you might meet your soul mate. I mean, why is it that I seem to be more content staying in than 'going out'. I mean I cant be the only person who one minute thinks "I would love for God to put the right person in front of me, the one who would become my friend, my partner, my equal" and at the same time beat myself up on Sunday afternoon when I again realize that I stayed home all weekend and really didn't get out and interact or socialize. Maybe I am the only one?

I mean where is the middle here. I want to go out interact and meet people. I love meeting people. But, I don't really want to go to the bars. I mean that in no way appeals to me. I feel like I am way past the stage where you go out on Saturday buy a new outfit, go workout and plan on meeting friends for a long night out starting at 9pm and ending somewhere around 2-3am... all that and all you get out of it is your new outfit now smells like an ashtray, someone spills a drink on you and some drunk guy approached you and forgot to take his wedding ring off before coming out tonight and yet doesn't notice and says he is single. (ok so not all 'nights out' are this bad, but they do happen)

Lets look at the options here for Singles in your mid 30's and christian to boot.
Church Singles groups - I don't know about you but our group seems to attract 80% women and only 20% men. Not good odds here God.
Going out to the bars - YUK. I mean really. I am not into being a bar fly and meaning less hook ups are in no way the direction I am headed. Besides, whats the chance that the guy who was sucking down vodka and 7's is really going to be interested in the fact that I have no intention of sleeping with him, not now and not after 2 or 20 dates either.
Internet Dating - OK did that tried it- no way. Wasn't my thing. I like the idea of keeping it 'real' and old fashioned I guess. I want to meet him in person for the first time. But hey if this works for you. Besides I have heard enough stories "the picture didn't match the person". Besides haven't you watched Dateline and 20/20 do those specials on the crazies out there. I don't feel comfortable letting someone create their ideal self, behind a computer screen and then your praying that he's normal, not a mass murderer or on the brink of financial ruin and he needs your pocket book to bail him out. OK, you get my input on this one.
Blind Dates - Look the last one I had was when I was 16 and it seems like its more for teens and tweens than for thirty and then some. Besides, I am kind of scared of what my friends would pick out for me. Do you really want to know who they think is your equal... kind of scary actually.
Dinner Clubs - I am in one, its great. You do meet some nice guys but they are usually there with an equally attractive date. I guess guys don't go to these things alone. Unlike the rest of us women, there are about 8 of us who show up each time, alone of course..

So where to go, what do you do to meet more people on Saturday night?
As I sit here my friend just text me "the girls are doing a girls night out tonight, we are going to go to dinner and then karaokeing, wanna join us?"
OK, so it sounds pretty fun. I don't have to feel guilty that I ruined another Saturday night staying at home alone. Although, that new Merlot I bought, I have really been wanting to try it... hummm.. Decisions.. decisions....
Heck, the bottle will taste better in 10 years. I may not. So I will go join the girls and lip sync to my favorite 80's songs tonight. Who knows maybe a christian man will be out there too, singing his heart out to something like Poison or U-2.

So this is single on a Saturday night... not so bad after all.