Exclusive Dating Service's

Wow, why does it surprise me?
I mean in a world of IM's, super speed texting, 'E-harmonize your life' and 'meet the match of your life' via email promises. Why would it surprise me that there are also just as many offerings for 'exclusive dating services'.

Does it not seem too good to be true? These ad's that promise you the opportunity of meeting someone, 'exclusive, financially secure and ready to marry'..... and all you have to do is send them professional photography head shots - full length shots and a bio about yourself. UHHHMMM
Sounds too good to be true right? I mean this sounds easy doesn't it. I mean you get a professional head hunter, who prowls their list of exclusive clients for you. Then they arrange your 1st meeting and poof, just like that, your prince charming awaits and by the sounds of their advertisement, he might come with his own horse and castle. Are you interested in signing up yet???

I mean they say "exclusive and financially secure", sounds more like it could be, reclusive and they are over extended on their credit line..... What is 'exclusive' anyway?

I mean I myself won't date just anyone, I am very picky, especially after the last one.... so does this make me exclusive?

My next question would be if they are such a great catch. Why have they not already found someone. I mean don't you think they probably have every hot babe, with hair extensions, a size 0 body and cosmetic enhancements in town knocking down their door for that ultra elusive opportunity.

But still it intrigues me, I mean they offer up these kinds of statistics to get you to sign up:

30% Couple up on the 1st introduction
Explain this one, I mean I might have a 30% chance myself if I were ready and willing at the local bar on any given night...Cant they do better than that, this isn't making me want to sign up. I think I would have a better than 30% chance if I just get out and be social. I mean I might have a 30% chance of getting in a car wreck during rush hour and who knows maybe I will 'run into' my soul mate.

45% Need only 3 introductions to pair off in exclusive dating relationships
So here is another statistic, based on their clients record. So are they saying that you only need to meet the person 3x before you decide to exclusively date? Or is it that within the 3rd meeting of someone "exclusive" and new you will have a 45% chance that you will start dating that person exclusively. Didn't Mom always say the "3rd time's the charm". Or was it "some people are snake charmers"?

So now I am really wondering..I don't think I have ever known for sure that by the 3rd date I would like someone enough to really date them exclusively. I mean isn't that still that 'new time' that tingly feeling in your stomach. Don't you have to wait till the 'new' wears off until you truly see each other for who they are. Then you start deciding, hey this might be someone worth dating exclusively... Or do I have it all wrong?

I guess you will have to post your comments and let me know how well you have fared with these ultra modern and hi-tech ways of dating.... Just maybe you might convince me to spend the money and go get those head shots done.... Until then I will stick to my current modus operandus. Its simple, doesn't cost me anything, I don't have to do a personality profile and I don't have to get 'winked at' in my In Box. Its really simple and rudimentary, I just simply smile at every person I see and make eye contact with. You never know who might be smiling back. It just might be an exclusive match and I didn't even have to provide head shots for this one and I didn't need a 'corporate recruiter' moonlighting as a 'match-maker' either.

I am still interested in your take on this. Post your comments. Lets see if we can do better than 30%.

Do Looks Matter?

Singles dinner for 8. We went to a nice restaurant last night for dinner, we had a ratio of 5 to 3 women to men. So we were about par for the course. Why is it there is always more women than men at any singles gathering it seems? The evening was great; food fantastic and the wine and chatter superb.

Then the inevitable after dinner conversation out on the veranda, quickly seemed to evolve into why we were all single? As one gentleman so candidly pointed out, "I don't understand why any of you ladies are single, you are all attractive."

HUMMMM.... I felt all of a sudden like all of us were like penguins in the Antarctic. We were all quickly looking for a small warm spot in the middle where you can tuck your head in and hide, not be seen and hopefully ignore the comment.

I mean, the question, I am sure he meant to be a compliment of some sort, I guess??, But it ended up really sounding more like a fact finding mission for the men. Those kinds of comments on the surface seem flattering, but underneath its like it had a different meaning.

So, if we are good looking enough that we should not be single, then whats wrong with us and why are we single? Is that what he was really asking? It reminds me of something along the lines of, " hey lets cut to the chase, your single and attractive, so what kind of baggage are you carrying, there must be something else wrong with you?"

It's funny really, I mean it made me look at the person who made the statement:
Good looking, well dressed, can carry great conversation with anyone it seems and on the outside would appear to be a great catch, by all normal outer appearances that is. So why is he single? Why was he not out on a hot date, or with a long term significant other? Why was he with all the rest of us, "good-looking singles", who's main commonality by the way is the same church, and a love of good food and wine?

So back to his question to which one women responded, "What do looks have to do with anything?" Her statement, although not defensive, really probably was. I mean non of us wants to be dated for our looks and looks alone, or do we?

This battle of the looks continued over an after dinner Port. In which both men agreed and admitted that the male species does think more about the looks of a potential companion and they admit it is important to them. More so than women though? OK - touche.

So we agree, looks are what we all are attracted to in the first place, how else do you meet someone. You see them, your attracted and you approach them. Right?

As much as we, the women, tried to defend our 'new ways'. We all seemed to be of the same opinion that somehow it seems like our past relationships, the ones that had failed obviously, usually started based on pure physical attraction and chemistry alone. We all wanted something more now, so it begs to question.

Do looks really matter and if so how much? Can we really put looks and chemistry on the back burner and try to just be open minded to meeting new people and not deciding in an instant whether or not they are 'dating material' based on appearance alone. Can we really try to look deeper at a persons character, personality and heart first? Can we eventually see someone as being good looking only after we know their whats inside, rather than qualifying them by whats on the outside?

The question we really should ask is, will society learn to accept that looks aren't everything? Do we feel pressure from society, our friends, our business associates to date a certain 'look'? and can we look beyond, the 'look'?

As this gentleman so poignantly put it, "I don't see any of you dating anyone who looks like 'Erkel' anytime soon".

I guess I can't prove him wrong until I meet an 'Erkel' looking guy.... But, it is something to think about. Do looks matter?

Whats age got to do with it?

WHAT'S THE RIGHT AGE?

I was talking to a friend of mine today and we were talking about a certain family who owns and is developing a lot of land north of our city. When I say a lot I mean in the millions of dollars.

In short our conversation turned to the fact that this family not only is prominent, but that there are 4 sons and they all are Dr's in the family. In jest, we both joked around about whether or not any of them were single.

Now before you men read this and think "gold-digger". 1) We were just kidding around and 2) You men do the same thing. The only difference is that there are some women out there who do dig for gold and then men dig for silicon. (and I am not talking about the high tech version either). So in all fairness both sides (men and women) have some bad apples out there, who make us all look shallow.

Back to my story. So here we are joking about the brothers and the plausibility of them being single. To which my friend add's, "OH there way to old for you anyway" and I had to pause and think. I guess the dead silence on my end triggered the same thought with her too. Because at the same time we both laughed and said "well heck what's too old?"

I mean if you had to write a personal ad to attract your Mr. or Miss. right. Would age really play a factor. I mean what if you put an age range and that someone special was 5 years older or 5 years younger? What if there was a 10 year difference? 15 year difference? Would that really be a deal breaker.

Why does the older guy dating a younger girl become labeled as a lucky old fart, yet an older women dating a younger guy is called a 'cradle-robber'? I mean what is this age thing anyway and why do we place such value on it when it comes to dating?

Is it the age or the person that matters. After all in this age of cosmetic alterations and healthy lifestyles aren't we all looking younger and younger for our age anyway?

Now of course there is that occasional. 'No way' relationship. You know the ones I am talking about. The guy in his 60's with a girl in her 20s. He looks like he could use a quick puff off an oxygen bottle and she looks like she just stepped out of FHM magazine. But hey, its mutually beneficial right? I mean they are both getting a need met. Hers is financial stability and his is having a need to keep that Viagra prescription going. Maybe a strong heart and libido keeps you out of the old folks home. We all hear them say it "age is all in your mind". If that's the case, I want to have the mind I have now, in the body I had in my early 20's. OH and I'll take the face too. No need to keep these laugh lines, they remind me of the life lines of a tree. The older I get the more lines I see.

So do I care about the age thing and what people would say?
I would love to say my answer is no, but honestly. I don't really want to find myself dating someone who's daughter is my age. When it comes down to it I want to date a tree that has close to the same amount of life rings as I do. With that said it will be my luck that I will meet and fall in love with the next star of the Viva Viagra commercials.

So whats in an age anyway? It all depends on how you count it.

When the 'ex' calls

So is there a good christian way to be cordial to your ex when they call? I mean I guess I know the answer is yes and how to do it would be to be forgiving have no malice in our heart etc...etc... Let the past be the past, Right?

Well then why is it so much easier and seemingly more gratifying to be a BITC!. I mean its been nine months and I have been happy, I am doing great. Feeling awesome about everything in my life. Then out of the blue 9 months later he decides to call.

Why do you men like to do that anyway? Is it in your genes or something, I mean do you have your watch set on a timer so that at that exact moment when we have vanquished you from our memories, you just so happen to decide to waltz right back in. I mean really, come on, I had finally stopped thinking about you; gotten rid of all the pictures and gifts you gave (well except for the really good ones). Then, right when I start feeling normal and sane again and I had finally stopped asking myself 'whats wrong with me?". BAMM, you come out of no where, kind of like Emeril throwing garlic in your eye. You know the Chef on TV, OK never mind.

Honestly, I thought I erased you out of my phone. I mean it took me 6 months to erase you from my mind. So when I looked at the caller id, I honestly hesitated only for a few seconds, knowing it could not possibly be you. But it was you! Drat's I thought to myself, I mean if I would of just let the call go to voicemail. Then at least I would of had the pleasure of 'deleting' you again....for the last time.

In my past life, I would of still been angry, upset and asking you all kinds of "why questions". In my past, I would of been asking "what took you so long to call". Why wait 9 months? Not to mention all the four letters words I would of probably been spewing like a water geyser in heat.

But this was different, I am different it seems. I just sat there and listened to you for the first few minutes and I found myself just asking God to help me say what I needed.

Then I thought briefly, its not supposed to be like this, not on the phone. I was secretly hoping that I would run into you one night while wearing a great little black dress after I had lost 10lbs. Me looking great of course, all for the pure satisfaction of knowing that you would be drooling and feeling like a BIG LOOSER for every letting me go. At least that's how it played out in my head.

But you know, that's how I felt today on the phone. I mean I felt great, I was happy content and your phone call really didn't phase me. I felt like the woman in that little black dress, looking great and feeling 'sexy', and you walk by looking like a slouch, with some really ugly girl that weighs 20lbs more than me. (OK, so maybe that part isn't so christian), but all you women have had similar thoughts, right? I mean I am not the only one who actually dreamed these vendetta role plays up in my head am I?

Maybe this isn't the most christian way to gloat about it, but I am really glad I am doing awesome and my life is in such a great place right now. I am so glad that God is a huge part of my life and my heart these days. So christian or not, I felt like I was on top of the world and I felt like I was walking by in that little black dress. Had I not been in such a good place, I might of been tempted to carry on the conversation with you and worse yet, I might of fallen for that 'fishing lure' you threw out "gosh I miss seeing your beautiful face".. yeah right, does this kind of line really work on women? All I could do was be cordial, be nice and keep the conversation short. I think you got the point. I wasn't interested.

God, thanks for making me feel so great and for letting me wear that little black dress when that phone call came in! No need for revenge, I got satisfaction and I got to gloat after I hung up. Besides, I still still need to loose that 10lbs anyway.

Next time YOU answer the phone and its your ex, just put on the little black dress in your mind and let God do the talking. It works wonders!

Intimate Friends

Intimate relationships.
Now if that isn't the two scariest words for most single people. I mean we say we all want them. But are we really willing to do what it takes to have them?

It's not really relegated to just the relations we have with a partner or someone we are dating. It can also be in your friendships, your REAL friendships. Lets first define the fact that we have two general types of friendships. Those that are only skin deep, literally, and those that are more meaningful, our true friends.

Skin deep friendships are usually those where we each are gaining something from the friendship. Its out of convenience. Come on most everyone has them. It's your friend that you go to happy hour with. The one that you only see and talk to when your planning those great nights out on the town. Or maybe its the one who you talk to at work, but seldom any other time. Maybe its the one you live vicariously through. The one who always has exciting fun things going on in their world and you like staying connected to all their friends and fun VIP invites. Whatever the reason or the benefit, we have all had friends like this. But can you go deeper with these people, can you have a true intimate friendship? The key question might be do you even want to go deeper with this person?

Allot of people will think of intimate being sexual in nature. Well actually as Webster defines it: "most private or personal; very close or familiar; deep and thorough; an intimate friend."

So how many do you have? Do you know what it takes to have them? Do you really push yourself to be real and open with your friends? Do you have the kind of friends you want to be intimate with?

I think most of us would like to think we do. Or at least for now, it fits our own personal definition of intimacy. These relationships or lack there of can often define not only who we are. But these friendships can also lay the groundwork for how we act in dating situations or in other words they can also forecast to us, what kind of relationships we have with someone who is 'more than a friend'.

Think about it. Do your friendships last. Do you seem to hop around in closeness from one person to another. Are you one of those who has a BFF of the month club. When things get rough or your not getting along with a friend do you distance yourself from them or do you use this opportunity to talk with them openly to discuss the issues. Do you open up and talk about it honestly? Or do you kind of pull away and ignore them for a while. Do you see where I am going with this? If we pull away from our personal close friends now in our lives, or if we run away when things are tough. Then we most likely do this in more serious dating relationships too. Likewise, we often can be scared off by getting too close to someone. Have you ever pulled away from a friend right after you let your guard down, after you became vulnerable? Sometimes, we fear success or closeness for fear we might get hurt. This might not be good for our future relations with anyone, whether it be friend or companion.

So how do we fix this? Start with your friends. Get to know them more and let them know you too. Make sure you aren't surrounded with superficial friends. This might mean stepping out of your comfort zone, doing things a little differently. It might mean you need to make some changes. Make sure your going more than skin deep. Fix those relationships in front of you first and then you might see new opportunities being attracted to you and you to them. It ultimately can change the types of people you date and are attracted to and like-wise bring you different results. Even better than that, your friendships will flourish and grow to something wonderful & meaningful. Surround yourself with great people, let intimacy in and everything else will follow.

Attached is an MP3 of John Burkes message on Intimacy, September 30, 2007. It should be available within the nest 24 hours of this posting. Click on the title INTIMATE FRIENDS at top to download message.

THE MORNING AFTER....

The morning after, no this is not what you think it is. I am not referring to the 'walk of shame'. Walk of Shame, you know, when in your past life, or for some in your present life, you maybe have ughh, relations? with someone and the next morning you have to walk out their front door for the whole neighborhood to see you. Whats worse if your still in those 'going out cloths' from the night before... As a friend once pointed out to me, its pretty bad when your walking out and the neighbor on one side is out watering his lawn and the look you get is something along the lines of 'your not the one from before'. Yeah, well that's some of the past experiences I could relate to prior to my current relationship with myself and with God. Now those antics and laughs over brunch with the girls are really more uncomfortable these days. I mean they are still kind of funny, but in the grand scheme of things. You start to realize 'was it really worth it?' The answer is unequivocally NO.

Today its all about the morning after going out with 3 girlfriends to a girls night of Karaoke'ing. We had an absolute blast and we all went home alone of course, I think it was more amusing to be the ones that were sober and coherent compared to about 90% of the patrons of the establishment who were not so sober.
Lets just say we all had our chins on the ground a few times, watching the drunken antics of several around us. Including the 3 different men each poised in a triangular pattern around our table. I mean we had great views and were well within earshot to intake it all. Just to give you the cream of the crop, we had one, lets call him Justin, he is from Ohio and travels on business all over the US. He is there 'tying one on' as he so eloquently put it. He also went on to tell us all that we should just plan on heading over to his hotel afterwards, as he proceeded to tell us the room number and show us his spare key. Needless to say we all laughed it off in amusement. But I couldn't help, but to feel sorry for him and feel like I needed to keep talking to him, so I did. In listening to him I was amazed. I mean he was basically stating in no uncertain terms, that he was a 'great lay' (literally he said that) and said he felt bad because he is in a town for only a short time and cant really take the time to get to know women, so he has to succumb to the idea that its all about being 'respectful' he said and 'honest' in telling woman that its all about the great sex. Yes he tries to keep in touch with the ones that, as he stated, you really feel the chemistry and the ignition in bed. WOW. Need I say more on this one.
So here my response to him in a nutshell"

I told him under no uncertain terms would I be going to engage him in his quest for the night, I went on to tell him that maybe in the past, it would of been up for debate. But that now I have a relationship with God and a true respect for myself and for others. Especially with regard to our bodies, intimacy and sex. I further added that I sincerely plan on not sleeping with anyone until I meet my soul mate and the man I want to marry. The interesting part is that I felt so good about telling this total stranger this. I felt no embarrassment admitting my faith or my creed to myself and God. I actually felt proud and honored to admit that yes my past was different and I at one time kind of had his view on casual sex among consenting willing adults. But now, things are different for me.

I really felt it hit a little bell in his drunken rambling mind. Or maybe that was the 'last call bell' that got his attention. None the less, I felt a great pride in knowing that I stood up for my belief's, and my sanctity. Not only for myself, but for all single people, who really just want to be loved and held. For those who are on the path I am on and for those who are astray or 'looking' for something more in life and in their relationships. For all of us who want to find something more, something lasting, something meaningful and something with mutual admiration and respect. Something called love. The real kind, not the one that is confused with lust and instant gratification.

So here's to having a great feeling the morning after and to having a great since of relief. That I don't have to worry about ever feeling that agonizing lump in my throat, that since of guilt and wondering, "will he call me again?", "does this mean we will start seeing each other" or worse yet, walking away hoping you don't run into him again. I don't have to worry about these feelings the morning after, as long as I stay on my current path. I just hope that after we left last night that Justin didn't find a woman who this morning is feeling this way. And one day, hopefully, Justin will learn that his mornings after aren't going so great either and maybe he will change his view of casual sex and what real intimacy and love can mean if he would just wait for that someone special, and not the woman he meets after a night of drink specials.

Here is to a great new feeling and a great new 'morning after'.

Single on Saturday Night

So here we are again, its Saturday afternoon, and I am still as single today as I was yesterday. Yesterday being Friday, and instead of heading out and meeting some other friends for 'board game night' I decided to meet with some clients of mine in a cow pasture for a BBQ. Well, I know it doesn't sound fun. I guess it might help if I elaborate and say, I am in the construction business. I am a sales manager and I work with large commercial contractors. One of my clients is about to kick off a rather large Elementary School Project and we decided to have a 'ground breaking' party and BBQ out there yesterday late afternoon. Literally, its in the middle of a soon to be large subdivision, but the land is an old ranch. Little did I know it would run into early evening. So it doesn't seem I did anything last night on a Friday night as a single 35 year old that would bring my any closer to meeting Mr. Wonderful. My clients are great guys, all are married and a very respectful bunch, but usually no one single in the group and I have a hard and fast rule "don't date anyone of your clients or business associates" - so my Friday night was a wash last night. Maybe I should of asked if anyone has a single brother? Referrals work well in my sales business, maybe I should widen my sights on what I am asking referrals for?

Ever wonder why it seems that the older you get the more you enjoy staying at home. Why staying in for the night with your favorite bottle of wine, (yes I am christian, not southern Baptist though, I do drink)and lounging in your comfy cloths, hair in a pony tail, no make-up sounds so good? I mean isn't staying home all the time kind of defeating the idea that some day you might meet your soul mate. I mean, why is it that I seem to be more content staying in than 'going out'. I mean I cant be the only person who one minute thinks "I would love for God to put the right person in front of me, the one who would become my friend, my partner, my equal" and at the same time beat myself up on Sunday afternoon when I again realize that I stayed home all weekend and really didn't get out and interact or socialize. Maybe I am the only one?

I mean where is the middle here. I want to go out interact and meet people. I love meeting people. But, I don't really want to go to the bars. I mean that in no way appeals to me. I feel like I am way past the stage where you go out on Saturday buy a new outfit, go workout and plan on meeting friends for a long night out starting at 9pm and ending somewhere around 2-3am... all that and all you get out of it is your new outfit now smells like an ashtray, someone spills a drink on you and some drunk guy approached you and forgot to take his wedding ring off before coming out tonight and yet doesn't notice and says he is single. (ok so not all 'nights out' are this bad, but they do happen)

Lets look at the options here for Singles in your mid 30's and christian to boot.
Church Singles groups - I don't know about you but our group seems to attract 80% women and only 20% men. Not good odds here God.
Going out to the bars - YUK. I mean really. I am not into being a bar fly and meaning less hook ups are in no way the direction I am headed. Besides, whats the chance that the guy who was sucking down vodka and 7's is really going to be interested in the fact that I have no intention of sleeping with him, not now and not after 2 or 20 dates either.
Internet Dating - OK did that tried it- no way. Wasn't my thing. I like the idea of keeping it 'real' and old fashioned I guess. I want to meet him in person for the first time. But hey if this works for you. Besides I have heard enough stories "the picture didn't match the person". Besides haven't you watched Dateline and 20/20 do those specials on the crazies out there. I don't feel comfortable letting someone create their ideal self, behind a computer screen and then your praying that he's normal, not a mass murderer or on the brink of financial ruin and he needs your pocket book to bail him out. OK, you get my input on this one.
Blind Dates - Look the last one I had was when I was 16 and it seems like its more for teens and tweens than for thirty and then some. Besides, I am kind of scared of what my friends would pick out for me. Do you really want to know who they think is your equal... kind of scary actually.
Dinner Clubs - I am in one, its great. You do meet some nice guys but they are usually there with an equally attractive date. I guess guys don't go to these things alone. Unlike the rest of us women, there are about 8 of us who show up each time, alone of course..

So where to go, what do you do to meet more people on Saturday night?
As I sit here my friend just text me "the girls are doing a girls night out tonight, we are going to go to dinner and then karaokeing, wanna join us?"
OK, so it sounds pretty fun. I don't have to feel guilty that I ruined another Saturday night staying at home alone. Although, that new Merlot I bought, I have really been wanting to try it... hummm.. Decisions.. decisions....
Heck, the bottle will taste better in 10 years. I may not. So I will go join the girls and lip sync to my favorite 80's songs tonight. Who knows maybe a christian man will be out there too, singing his heart out to something like Poison or U-2.

So this is single on a Saturday night... not so bad after all.